What a pile of CRAP!

OFF MEN!

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 18:02:10 +0200

he has utterly and totally shattered me,

in a text (how nice) i was told how it was wrong and he couldnt see me anymore. god how i hate him. why couldnt he have carried on ignoring me, instead of this week, a pointless week thats caused me the most pain i've felt this year, if i didnt know better i would have thought my heart had been ripped out and laid bare through the pain.

he's ripped out my insides and strewn them across an open space, laid them bare for anyone to see and if thats not bad enough it feels as through he's trampled all over them.

he's picked me up and dropped me now his conscience has kicked in. his poor girlfriend in the dark, i am selfish enough to feel that i am worse off. unkwon to her is what he's really like, falling for another girl so easily when he was trying to work through it with her. if only he hadnt tripped me too.

i darent spend a minute with my own thoughts! analysing everything.

i am so mixed up. all these feelings going through my head.

1. i crave so much for a hug off him to see him and to forget it.
2. i never want to see him again and i want to forget everything about him.
3. i want to see him and i want to kick and scream and cry at how unfair this is, to show him what he's done.

i doubt any of these will happen. he's made his choice not to have me in his life, although he says its not what he wants, he has to do it. he doesnt want to hurt me anymore. i couldnt hurt anymore if he tried.

i'll never be able to forgive and forget. not this time around. its made it raw. its opened up how i felt last week all over again.

to forget you have to forgive, forgive and you'll forget.

i cant.

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yuck

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 20:34:32 +0200

i do realise that i am all over the place. and i am incapable of having a single thought and holding it for atleast 2 seconds. unless it includes him. then, boy do i dwell. i do over analyse. how do i stop myself?

god he brings out every possible flaw in me.

my ability to overanalyse until there is nothing left to look at.
my selfishness, no matter how much i know this should stop i cant bring myself to do it. for my sake.
my lack of self control.
my lack of morals.
i am a cheat.

and no matter how much i hate it, i cant change.

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AHH!

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:40:10 +0200

i have no idea what i'm getting myself into.

jesus. this could end up bad.

really bad, with me worse of than before.

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i am having seriously erratic thought patterns.

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:27:04 +0200

i want someone to pull me to the side. and talk me through what i am doing. but i've got no one i can talk to about this.

he is 'banned' from seeing me. so he does it in secret.

when im away from him i hate myself. but when im with him i dont feel like anything is wrong.

i find myself analysing everything he sayss to me to try and suss it out. why does he want to see me?

i feel so stupid. i am so confused. nothing works out right for me! ever!

when im not with him, like now, i have so many things i want to say to him and ask him, then when im there i just forget and nothing matters.

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why do i feel so unsure?

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 21:28:40 +0200

last night went well. he apologised over and over again. although im annoyed he reasons seem valid from his point of view.

ahh why do i still have feelings for him?

and now i feel so on egde that he might just do it again. and i would break. i get on with no one else like i do him.

i am so screwed up.

its all i can write for now. nails are drying. haha.

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and so

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:07:45 +0200

he gets in touch.

i dont know how to handle this. we're meant to be meeting tonight. to talk.

im fretting over nothing i guess. you know he's sorry for this and he's sorry for that. but what i really want to know is does he want to have his cake AND eat it?

i suppose tonight is as good an opportunity as ever to get everything i've felt over the past 5 days off my chest.

he's got his reasons for what he did. he says. do i want to know, i asked. and 'probably not' was his reply.

he wants to be friends still, he wants me in his life. is this him reeling off another story so i feel bad for holding a grudge? is this him trying to manipulate me into thinking his way? or am i far too cynical for a girl of 18?

so tonight: walking and talking?

i'll keep you updated.

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the bad weather reflects my mood.

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:25:15 +0200

its amazing the more time that goes by the more i think about it and the more i dislike him.

i wonder how long it will be before i can get over that skank? i'd love to speak to him and tell him exactly what i think of him! holding nothing back. but i am far too stubborn to even contact him.

is it wrong for me to expect just a bit of common decency? and expect a text off him after all he was the one to act like an utter dickhead and upset me. even if hes trying to distance himself from me (which wouldnt altogether be a bad thing) he could have had the decency to let me know.

well lets face it, he clearly has no morals. so i am expecting far too much from someone like him. who is out for numer 1. himself. not me, someone he strings along when things are tough with his girlfriend, or even his long suffering girlfriend who is completely unaware of what goes on behind her back. and clearly if it didnt work then, and it don't work now, will it EVER work? my thoughts say no. and soon enough he'll be looking for someone else. id place money on it.

the thing that annoys me the most was i was completely and utterly honest from the start. i let him know how i felt. i wish i hadnt now.

and i'm definately going to stand by the old saying. and i'd love to put him straight and tell him that though he has hopes of changing its unlikely to happen. because there is no doubt that now i've met him i firmly believe;

once a cheater, always a cheater.

and for me there is simply no shifting that reputation.

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i have been well and TRULY screwed over.

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:16:05 +0200

well, i started talking to this guy right. he was single at the time, then he decided to get back with his ex. fair enough. but then he starts asking me to come out, as friends, so i think. we get(got) on so well it's pretty unbelievable.

we went to the pub one night and on the walk home he held my hand. i couldnt believe the (pass the sick bucket) connection we had. i hated the fact he had a girlfriend. he spun the old yarn of how he had true feelings for me, he doesnt have that with his girlfriend blah blah. and yeah i pretty much fell for it.
we went out one night and back to his, he was pretty flirtacious, and tried it on, we kissed. little more as i said no to going further. because although it felt so right, there was that niggling thing in the back of my mind that he had a girlfriend. i felt guilty enough as it was. i'm really not that type of girl. thought when im around him its so hard to believe he has a girlfriend. you wouldnt know.

the more time i spent with him the more i found myself thinking about him when i wasn't with him. and he lead me to believe that he felt the same way. he was texting and calling me all the time. the texts he was sending were getting cheekier and cheekier.

then one night he came to mine and said he'd broken up with his girlfriend. it was hard not to be the slightest bit happy. i knew deep deep down though that he wouldnt be able to stay away from her. no matter how many times he told me he didnt love her in that way, and there was no spark there anymore. it was all out of comfort it seemed. he said to me he wasnt going to get back with her, and how he couldnt be with someone he had doubts with. i suppose that something deep down told me that this wasnt going to work out with me being happy.

he was texting me that night and the next day saying that we could be how we wanted to be with eachother now, no hiding it seemed. that clearly wasnt the case a few hours later when i got the text, that was the last straw. he text me saying they were going to see if they could work it out, give it another go.

how can someone flit from one end of the scale to the other without a second thought it seemed? i couldnt understand. how well i knew that i could not be with someone i had doubts about. how well i knew i could not be with someone i wasnt in love with. and i couldnt get my head round how he could. after everything he said and done. he'd truly hurt me. after those weeks of almost forgetting he wasnt all mine. i let him know that i was angry and upset and didnt reply to his last text.

and i havent heard from him since.

it seems so stupid how i've let it affect me, i've been so strong since my last break up with a complete and utter idiot and i swore i would not let another boy affect me. that seems to have gone straight out the window. people say they know it hurts, and what an idiot he is, and how its better that i stay away because i will get hurt.

and what they dont understand is, that though i dont show it.

i already am.

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