well, i started talking to this guy right. he was single at the time, then he decided to get back with his ex. fair enough. but then he starts asking me to come out, as friends, so i think. we get(got) on so well it's pretty unbelievable.
we went to the pub one night and on the walk home he held my hand. i couldnt believe the (pass the sick bucket) connection we had. i hated the fact he had a girlfriend. he spun the old yarn of how he had true feelings for me, he doesnt have that with his girlfriend blah blah. and yeah i pretty much fell for it.
we went out one night and back to his, he was pretty flirtacious, and tried it on, we kissed. little more as i said no to going further. because although it felt so right, there was that niggling thing in the back of my mind that he had a girlfriend. i felt guilty enough as it was. i'm really not that type of girl. thought when im around him its so hard to believe he has a girlfriend. you wouldnt know.
the more time i spent with him the more i found myself thinking about him when i wasn't with him. and he lead me to believe that he felt the same way. he was texting and calling me all the time. the texts he was sending were getting cheekier and cheekier.
then one night he came to mine and said he'd broken up with his girlfriend. it was hard not to be the slightest bit happy. i knew deep deep down though that he wouldnt be able to stay away from her. no matter how many times he told me he didnt love her in that way, and there was no spark there anymore. it was all out of comfort it seemed. he said to me he wasnt going to get back with her, and how he couldnt be with someone he had doubts with. i suppose that something deep down told me that this wasnt going to work out with me being happy.
he was texting me that night and the next day saying that we could be how we wanted to be with eachother now, no hiding it seemed. that clearly wasnt the case a few hours later when i got the text, that was the last straw. he text me saying they were going to see if they could work it out, give it another go.
how can someone flit from one end of the scale to the other without a second thought it seemed? i couldnt understand. how well i knew that i could not be with someone i had doubts about. how well i knew i could not be with someone i wasnt in love with. and i couldnt get my head round how he could. after everything he said and done. he'd truly hurt me. after those weeks of almost forgetting he wasnt all mine. i let him know that i was angry and upset and didnt reply to his last text.
and i havent heard from him since.
it seems so stupid how i've let it affect me, i've been so strong since my last break up with a complete and utter idiot and i swore i would not let another boy affect me. that seems to have gone straight out the window. people say they know it hurts, and what an idiot he is, and how its better that i stay away because i will get hurt.
and what they dont understand is, that though i dont show it.
i already am.